(C)1991 Chris Klepac
[This very amusing piece was the first TUO contribution of Chris Klepac. At the time, Chris was 13 or 14 years old; TUO3 contains his scenario “The Travesty” which is one of the best-received works we’ve published. Always years ahead of his age in talent and maturity, Chris continues to write and be weird and presently works as our office manager.]
The Keeper’s eyes narrowed over the top of the GM screen. “Before you stands a massive iron door, meticulously inlaid with blasphemous carvings. The door is sealed with lead, and three iron shafts have been placed across it, each imbedded in the walls nearby. Glowing runes and sigils appear to have been hastily but expertly scrawled across the portal’s surface. There is no knob or handle of any kind. A scribbled message written in a madman’s hand warns `Death Lies Within’.”
James spoke up first. “We open it.”
Uh oh. You’re the Keeper and you’re in trouble. You made a note to yourself that if your players were stupid enough to enter a certain place, they deserved to be eaten by a Cthulhuoid monster. Well, they did, and you don’t happen to have an appropriate monster on you. Sure, you can roll up bogus stats, but description is the soul of the game. So here is a simple chart for when you’re in a tight spot, or just need some inspiration. Roll D% as many times as you like, or until you roll a capitalized item (those are nouns rather than adjectives). That tells you to stop rolling. Have a blast.
01-02 horrible
03-04 shambling
05-06 tentacled
07-08 evil
09-10 Monstrosity
11-12 horrendous
13-14 mind-blasting
15-16 undying
17-18 unthinkable
19-20 Beast With A Thousand Eyes
21-22 terrifying
23-24 dark
25-26 leprous
27-28 hairy
29-30 Spawn Of (appropriate Great Old One)
31-32 cold-blooded
33-34 screaming
35-36 gibbering
37-38 rotting
39-40 Mass Of Flesh
41-42 kill-crazy
43-44 insane (probably redundant)
45-46 hellacious
47-48 fanged
49-50 Creature From The Stars
51-52 disgusting
53-54 slimy
55-56 writhing
57-58 insect-plagued
59-60 Travesty Of Nature
61-62 vile
63-64 gigantic
65-66 slavering
67-68 unnameable
69-70 Horror
71-72 ancient
73-74 shunned
75-76 dripping
77-78 multi-limbed
79-80 Nightmare Beyond Comprehension
81-82 scaly
83-84 hate-filled
85-86 laughing
87-88 man-eating
89-90 Avatar Of The Void
91-92 bloodlusting
93-94 demonic
95-96 idiotic
97-98 flesh-eating
99-100 Vision Of Death
[A postscript: the “James” referred to in the article was a player in our group during MASKS OF NYARLATHOTEP. He was, quite possibly, the unluckiest player I’ve ever known. His crowning glory came during a midnight break-in at the Penhew building in London. Attempting to Sneak through a darkened hallway with a fully-loaded handgun, he fumbled his Sneak roll and tripped, drawing the notice of a nearby guard. A subsequent Luck roll was also fumbled, and his gun went off. Finally, a “to hit” roll for the gunshot was impaled – and he shot himself.]